Poem I wrote published in Perspectives in Biology and Medicine
32 (4), Summer 1989 pp. 603-604
HOMER SMITH, URINE, AND MODERN WARFARE
JOAN D. LEVIN*
Selma, Alabama, was twice prominent in world history, once in this
century for being the site of a major civil rights battle, and once, a
century earlier, during the battle between the states.
The earlier events were immortalized by Homer Smith, in his essay De
Urina (1, pp. 127-147]. Smith was not only the most brilliant renal physiologist of the century, but also a distinguished novelist and historian as well. The relevant passages of his historical (and historic) essay follow:
Though phosphate is important in the usefulness of urine as fertilizer, the nitrogen of its urea, ammonia, and other compounds is of no less significance inthis respect, and urine as a source of nitrogen supplies us with an heroic example of what man in his ingenuity, when hard pressed, can achieve. I refer to the sad plight of Selma, Alabama, during the Civil War. To prepare saltpetre for the manufacture of gunpowder, the Confederates had to resort to all sorts of devices
such as leaching the earth from old smokehouses, barns, and caves, and making artificial beds of all kinds of nitrogenous refuse, having agents for this purpose in every town and city. The agent at Selma was particularly energetic and enthusiastic, and advertised in the newspaper as follows:
"The Ladies of Selma are respectfully requested to preserve the chamber lye collected about the premises for the purpose of making nitre. A barrel will be sent around daily to collect it.
John Harrolson, Agent Nitre Mining Bureau"
This came to the attention of a poet in the Confederate Army who responded lyrically as follows:
"HE ADVERTISED FOR CHAMBER LYE
John Harrolson[ John Harrolson!
You are a wretched creature.
You've added to this bloody war a new and awful feature.
You'd have us think while every man is bound to be a fighter,
The ladies, bless the dears, should save their P for nitre.
John Harrolson! John Harrolson! Where did you get the
notion,
To send your barrel 'round the town to gather up the lotion?
We thought the girls had work enough making shirts and
kissing,
But you have put the pretty dears to patriotic pissing.
John Harrolson! John Harrolson! Do pray invent a neater
And somewhat more modest mode of making your saltpetre;
For 'tis an awful idea, John, gunpowdery and cranky,
That when a lady lifts her shift she's killing off a Yankee."
This poem was printed on toilet paper and circulated all over the
Confederacy, and a copy was smuggled across the line to fall into the hand of an anonymous Yankee poet who replied:
"THE YANKEE'S VIEW OF IT
John Harrolson! John Harrolson! We've read in song and story
How women's tears through all the years have moistened fields
of glory,
But never was it told before amid such scenes of slaughter
Your Southern beauties dried their tears and went to making
water.
No wonder that your boys are brave, who couldn't be a fighter
If every time he fired his gun, he used his sweetheart's nitre;
And vice-versa, what would make a Yankee soldier sadder
Than dodging bullets fired from a pretty woman's bladder?
They say there was a subtle smell that lingered in the powder,
And as the smoke grew thicker and the din of battle louder,
That there was found to this compound one serious objection,
No soldier boy could sniff it without having an erection."
To these two short, poignant poems, one from the southerner's point
of view and one from the Yankee's, I have added a third version, bringing this art form up-to-date for the 1980s.
URINE AND NATIONAL DEFENSE: A NEW VIEWPOINT FOR THE EVE OF THE TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY
Oh Homer Smith, dear Homer Smith, it makes a maiden
blush,
To think that national defense could turn upon a flush.
But that's enough of Civil War in ancient, dog-eared rhymes,
We need a new approach to meet the needs of modern
times!
Our patriotic fast food joints might realize these hopes,
And spice their wares judiciously with radioisotopes,
The customers could eat their fill, and then each loyal feeder
Would soon become a urinary radioactive breeder!
And every little child from San Diego up to Maine,
Would give to national defense what once went down the
drain.
And even Ron and Nancy could give of what they got,
And donate all the contents of the Presidential Pot.
Forget about cocaine and hash, they'll fill us with ennui,
There'll soon be better uses for each worker's drop of pee,
And all those silly drug tests, they soon will be forgot.
No more of asking "Are you high?" but rather, "Are you
hot?"
Oh Homer Smith, dear Homer Smith, behold a modern
sight,
The nation's urine harnessed for her military might.
And we can fry the birds on high, and fishes in the sea,
With fifty million megatons of radioactive pee!
REFERENCE:
1. CHASIS,H ., and GOLDRINGW, . (eds.). Homer William Smith: His Scientific and Literary Achievements. New York: New York University Press, 1965. (Reprinted from Kaiser Foundation Med. Bull. 6:1, 1958))
The author wishes to express her appreciation to Dr. Novera Herbert Spector of the National Institutes of Health for directing her attention to the classic Homer Smith work cited herein.
* Address: 2114 South Tower, 4515 Willard Avenue, Chevy Chase, Maryland 20815.
© 1989 by The University of Chicago. All rights reserved.
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